“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs