I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.