H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Oh deer
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?