FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad