I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
bought wrong eggs
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!