I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?