jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
This is me 🤣🤣
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Do not levitate over flowers
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
We found love in a hopeless place.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
🚲+physics = winner
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.