4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
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I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
“I’m helping” 😅
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.