Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
This could be us but you eatin’
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS