27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Happy Friday
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it