me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
pictures of spider-man
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Gods work.