“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
dogs can find happiness so easily
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.