Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Oh we’ve met.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism