After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.