I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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kids play hide and seek like
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story