Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”