[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.