Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
ugh not again
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
3% human
97% stress
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax