People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
eggs benadryl
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.