geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks