No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
so, is there a mister shapen head
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
#DesignFail
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.