If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life