Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.