[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
when nothing goes right… go left
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Haha good job!!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse