I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?