Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
You Might Also Like
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.