My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Oh my god
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.