I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?