I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
subtitles are so good nowadays
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.