I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today