If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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Ovenable?
Happens to everyone.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.