Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
favorite tropes as memes
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Okay