Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
You Might Also Like
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?