I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
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[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*exercises sarcastically*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case