This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
based al yankovic
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
You have been warned.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain