One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.