*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.