I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
i did the math
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?