guilty
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Accurate
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.