Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
me when the borders lift
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it