the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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ME: finally a program for me
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
me and the Superbowl rn
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff