PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house