genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Sell your car
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
selena gomez
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
getting old is fun
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.