Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
You Might Also Like
I haven鈥檛 worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Mechanic: You鈥檙e ready to roll.
Me: I think I鈥檇 rather drive.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
wdym i don鈥檛 know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it鈥檚 just a duck
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Considering the fact that I鈥檓 still working in people鈥檚 homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn鈥檛 killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that鈥檚 low, Sharon
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM