Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa