i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]