Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Bartenders are just boneless bars
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.