While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
i- i did not expect this
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead