My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket