In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.